Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
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