The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
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