Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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