All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
My liver just had a heart attack.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
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