It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
