if you like me you must not know who I am
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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