I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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