I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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