i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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