i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
