I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
