my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
You did what with his pubic hair?
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