You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
