Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Randomize
