Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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