I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
