she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
