How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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