you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
