I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
