i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
