Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
