Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
