I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
