In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
