Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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