There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
