My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
