I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
