I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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