Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
