i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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