Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
