i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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