i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
