So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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