Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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