Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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