Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
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