woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
