YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
