Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
