the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
