I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
