How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
