You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
