He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
