Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
