I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
