Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
