Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
