how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Randomize
