you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
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