I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
