I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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