I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
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